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Oct. 22nd, 2008 @ 05:23 am
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i am the dark in the room that surrounds and frightens me. it's true, you are afraid of whats IN the dark, i know im there lurking, waiting for my chance to strike out, without remorse for the actions i will take. i can't get my mind away from the little things that i shouldn't know, those little birdies whispering in my ear, always confirming what i intuited long ago. and at such a time, but of course. it's always a test of will. to remain on top of the dead you've piled, or buried beneath them. though im beginning to believe that to rise to the apex of the metaphorical corpses, you kill alot more than others, or ghosts, or skeletons in your closet along the way. arise new, you different, desensitized a bit more, a bit colder, a bit older, a bit more distant in your gaze. but you'll be standing atop the pile, hands dirtied, but alive. someday, i won't have anymore cracks in my mask, or, i won't need one.... or want one. i'm hoping for the latter |
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ugh
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Aug. 28th, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
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well, i've lived through worse... this really isn't that bad, but im alllll kinds of swooode up and sore. but alive none the less... |
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damn
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Aug. 27th, 2008 @ 03:50 am
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got 7 thats right 7 damn teeth out today... jebus |
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i've been spending some time at my place over the last few days, getting everything sorted and in line to knuckle down on my projects, and it was nice to have the room to breath in there, many of you havebeen in my humble garage, you know its a mess, butits shaped up quite nicely, complete again , with purple lights. gODDAMN i love those purple lights.... it makes me feel so at home... at home...? yeah.. well dance to this ya fat bastards....(enter bass line). got a new pair of boots yesterday, carolina's just like the knee highs i got when i was 14, which i still wear... somethings can take the test of time. i felt new, like the boots, sitting there polishing them. i got nostalgic, i got out my knee highs and gave them the treatment they deserved, they still look great, parade glossed and lovingly worn.... somethings never change...knee highs and purple lights are apparently 2 of those things.....what are yours?i'm feeling:  nostalgic i'm bangin': yes!! |
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Aug. 13th, 2008 @ 01:09 am
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grit your teeth and run the gauntlet, after all, you designed it didn't you? ...yes, yes i did. but it wasn't supposed to be a gauntlet....but it is, now run....
oh, and don't forget to be true to your self while your fighting for your life....
...*sigh* |
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well, dad,
... it's been two years now, since you've gone. two years and one day, because im late, just like that day. ( and the damn cemetery is closed on sundays)i had reminded myself so many times this week, but i didnt sleep two days ago, and i woke up in time to go to work, i pushed it back, i hid it. two years.and it just seems to be getting harder with out you. maybe its just been creeping up on me, i felt i had to hold up appearances for cthulhu, mom and linda, mom. but i thought i would have it by now, some calm resolve, which i do most of the time, but i thinks thats because there are always eyes watching me. which is almost a nessecity now, im so manic. but i miss you so much, i know thats jealous, but this is the only good jealous isn't it? you have such a calming effect on me. and there is so much i want to ask, i need your advice. though how rarely i ever did. and so much im sorry for. god i try, but im not as strong and patient as you. i know im not at all what you expected, but you loved me, and i was a pain in the ass, and i never learned all you had to teach, i was so closed off. and now here i am, talking to you wishing i had done differently, and theres nothing to change. im such a mess now, i've got so much going on, and going for me, yet it all seems so precariously balances, and the wobbly leg on the table is me, feeling like a whining child, just because im losing my sense of self due to all i hope and long for actually if not slowly happening. dad, theres a hole in me. i miss you. i'm going to see you now. and i won't say a word. we can just sit.
Aug. 5th, 2008 @ 09:11 am
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i've got alot in the works, things that involve me actually "showing""humans" my work. ehhh... but i really am happy for the chance to, but man have i filled my plate. luckly, i have a dog to feed the icky greens to! so ... yes.... today was very trying. a day that the poker face was tested. but i'll live, and life won't change, just the jargon.
Jul. 22nd, 2008 @ 12:36 am
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i was drawn to the beach tonight, the sun had set but there was still light in the sky. i was beautiful and hypnotic. as of late everything has been so inspiring to me, to much to capture. Ive done a lot of photography as of late, it leaves much to edit, but the act its self has inspired more of the like. i yet to capture the thoughts into an understand able visual dialog as yet, but i will, because it calls me to. i feel much freer to express myself as of late, yet finding a mode of "acceptable" representation has proven more difficult. there are some things you don't ask of ppl you know? and i know my ideas may be out there, but they are art, so deeply seeded in me that at times i see nothing else. and when i do i wish i didn't. it makes me fear the eyes that will see what Ive created, and while getting the same emotion, miss the "art" of it. alas, i know there is a time in which you have to let it go for the world to interpret. and thats a lot of the beauty, though its frightening to me. as of late, Ive made such connections with the hilarity of the cliche, the fine lines of originality and reproduction with out the beauty and perhaps touch on madness that comes from the creation of art or personality. while both are art, especially if the latter doesn't know its an empty copy lacking the passion it needs to properly evolve. and i have no right to stop anyone to from creation, yet the onset of floods will clog the veins, the pathways to the viewers.... and then what will become after prolonged exposure? most likely the disease of unknowing lack of passion will pass and fester....obviously this has happened since the inception of a mainstream media. which was expected, but the trickle into the subcultures has really drained and tested integrity. because of the simple fact, the evolution of expression no matter the medium, will never stop. and i feel left along the path because i can't connect to most not, i see pieces that i feel, but soon i see the pieces are not representations of the whole, just reproductions of technique learned and assimilated. but i know that i too have the same said of me, so who am i to judge? its all personal taste i suppose, but true passion should be a universally acknowleged 6th sense..... i guess Im .... i don't know what to say now. so many things in the world are catch 22's. well they are if you try to remain open minded, but still loyal to your opinions and loves....its not a fear of change, i worried about that for a while. because i still find new things and artists that awe me, in new mediums or genres that i happen to stumble across, but i feel it there, that passion, that particular passion. once again i want to state that its not to say others are not passionate for what they do .... i just, i don't know how to word it at the moment. fucker.
at times i long for even clones bearing the outer resemblance of something i could connect with. at least the clones seem to be happy, and not bad people....just.... lacking....but sooner or later i crawl back into my cliche dark hole to make something .... something that, that i will have to grieve before it leaves my hands and it presented to the world. or what tiny portion will see it and most likely not think much of it or the ponder on the manic near insanity and foolishness i pained over before it arrived for them to see.... there are parts of me that are so ridiculous... well, back to my nonsense.
Jul. 10th, 2008 @ 10:53 pm
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| » and now on lead brass bagpipes |
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yay a shoot today! i've had a slew of shitty days, so i could use it. i had the brakes on mah van done about six months ago . BUT..... whilst i was taking cthulhu to the poor poor chiropractor, i smell that smell (oh cant you smell that smell) pull over and Viola! Smoke! like a god damed fog machine, so instead of the cracky back guy its off to the brake place, off to the brake place...Whats that brake guy? this is gonna take just long enough for me top miss band practice @ the studio, where we're trying out a new bassist ? and void the warranty due to a colapsed brake line? YES! thats just perfect! in other news, lost my phone but got a shiny new one. and fucked up a grreat prank call for someone is was great. anymoose, im off to make up that spinecracker apt 4 the evil one... id rather noyt get into the 4th... oooohh .... i had to strap on my h8rsk8s for that one.
Jul. 8th, 2008 @ 01:56 pm
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| » have you ever noticed |
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ive noticed characteristics will change upon mood.... obvious i know, but hilarious in retrospect
for example .... (yeah, you'll laugh...but i am evil!!!)
i always walk on tip toe when im outside.... but! when i get realllly angry, i walk flat footed. hmmm.
i have many a small mannerizum changes as such. but in reflecting on them, it seems those different sides, are almost like different people. just with the same sweetshitkeepittogetherman on the inside- glassy visage outside holding it all together. and while that may seem crazy, i know you do the same thing. we all just try to hold on and keep life in motion. but what a beautiful dance it is.....
Jul. 2nd, 2008 @ 10:59 pm
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| » Whats black and white and red all over .... |
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well friends...
...its been 53 weeks since i wrote here. fought through lives trials, lived, loved, bled, and here i am.... back from a journey of self imposed discovery and all just to learn how to be myself again. and just the other day i broke through, the mold i'd created to keep me acceptable by the world and save those i care 4 from me (that seems mad when i read it) and to protect myself from them finally cracked. i may not fit in this world, but its here i am, so its here i will BE.i've worked hard on my art and music, and its time to take that step i was always afraid of. its time they leave my hands and go into the world. that is my test. i've always stopped short of that last step, and now i will leap
Jun. 25th, 2008 @ 05:41 am
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past the stillness of the glassy eyes, the roads twists and turn open before me like the circulatory system under the blanket of the nights sky. this is where revelations come. realizing all subtle nuances lost to the eyes of those who can not see them in the perpetual dark that i cast as to hide my own frailties. knowing that the i should let at least the stars cast their glares, (who am i to try to hide from that which holds no judgments or malice) i recount the years and footfalls that have lead me to this precise moment and place in time. there is no time for wounded feelings or bleeding hearts. this is a new age, one of action, actions poised with out the sway or fleeting fears or reaction. the physics be damned by will. life has its way of punctuating the deeds laid upon it. surely the sun will always rise, till it rises no more. all words having slipped through the lips of the countless masses, let them not slip away. leave me awe stricken and bewildered, let me feel with no predesignated time and place to do so. i will trudge alone as i always have, but new dawns have brought me realizations of being that need them selves be heard, more so understood. yet rambling as always, they may go unnoticed save me. and thats the cross isn't it? and how many trains has that derailed? how many times before? but there is not the predestined where i plan to go. no matter what is to my left and right upon that crest.
Jun. 23rd, 2007 @ 02:47 pm
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i would like you all to welcome lydia autumn fuch to the world, she was born around ten this morning...
you know, i wen through alot of thought before my child was born, i had to weigh it all, in a world this fucked up, should a child be brought in to this mess... though i know now... for me personally anyways... if it weren't for these beautiful, innocent children, i believe i would have given up long ago, i would have no reason to fight for this world to see another day. it has given me a purpose beyond my own selfish needs. though it is always a struggle. and i am the first to be scared off by children. but these Are my family. and there are others, children i have met, with that same beautiful spark as the parents of them whom i love. other who were mother and fathered by those as fucked up and strange as me. feeling the same weight, and the decision is the same. so for these children i will keep up the battle, and i hope that others will see the beauty for which i carry on, and they will share my vision and thoughts....no matter how desolate and depraved this world becomes, there will always be a reason to carry on....
May. 5th, 2007 @ 12:42 am
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the virtues may see the dance as a trophy waiting to be had, though such dramas are not held in high reGuards for me. i did not ask, no, just spoke. just words to be said and know that they had passed the lips of the now called deciever in hope of futures hind sight. my goals to covered in the obscuity of the present reverse dialogs unfolding. but shadows have always proven a home, and their arms always open, nonjudgemen-tal noncorporial... abstract as the free flowing thought that courses through me with each breath of unbound life that gives no sway to the dramas of the ever ensuing storms of mistake. i think the shadows will do just fine.
Apr. 20th, 2007 @ 01:02 pm
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| » we're all crazy here |
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the realization comes slow in the haze, and its happened before, again again in a daze. we're all crazy here. this path is well worn, but i swear i've never been in this place. the faces look familiar but the memories have no taste. fools, all the fools that surround and succumb to the beating and the fevers of what we've become. and how mad does that make me? to see the dementia and continue to be....the shadow plays tricks with the light, i could have sworn that the faces were right.... there, but all i see now is the cracks in the mirror. so many different facets of myself, all gone mad, all in hell. to numb and dumb to feel the gun pressed to the temple of a crazed old coot, yapping the time old tale of "back in my day" and realizing far to late, that he's already dead, and never noticed since he held so tight to the old ways... a morally corrupt crusader preaching to an empty room, talking to hear himself speak, in hopes that he will listen too. but its time to go, its time to leave, so i bid goodnight, goodnight, to all, maybe im the only one thats crazy....
Apr. 16th, 2007 @ 05:19 pm
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its another one of those days, with to much time to think, surrounding myself in self perpetuating horrors, and unfortunate realizations... the anger seems to build... there is always something wrong... there is always something wrong, something out of place, something i've done or said, or the words of another echoed in some dark back alley finding it's way to my ear. and i pray for shelter. the walls seemed impenetrable, and maybe they were. maybe they were... their cold surface so soothing in the emptiness they create. but... all the defenses gone, i stand naked, locking my doors, but the winds blow their chill deep into my bones, there are no walls in this house of mine. but i will keep the lights off, keep the lights off, and no one will know im here. god i hope know one knows im here, im not here, im not here... they left a wolf in my absence. and the fangs bear far too quickly for the warning of restraint far too quickly, far too quickly... friend or foe, false, and fake, all the world will fall today.. it's another one of those days... another one of those days ...
Mar. 30th, 2007 @ 03:58 pm
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Fuck it.
if ever one will excuse me now, i will be locking myself away to do the only thing i seem to be good at, of course i don't have to much proof of that either.
Mar. 19th, 2007 @ 06:47 pm
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| » Amazing how quickly your mood can change |
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Upon what crowning victory does this shadow fall? High on a useless throne, the moral effigy sits, surrcomb to frailty of this lesson in meaningless conquest. How long till the corpse falls upon the filth it's cast away? The false messiah given way to prophet of different dogmatic sway...
How unfortunate, to come to realization.... for ignorance hides gods in untouchable towers, high on the mantle,gathering dust.... but happy in unknowing tolerance.
At last...Exposed ... living ego, i see your faults. My arms held open, i accept all the scars upon this name. But hard comes the wounds inflicted upon the loved, forever named in the solice of my heart. i can only hope forthe dark to come quickly, and die in the night.Rising anew in a soul not so frail, and give way to a helix with no errors in this nameless heart
Mar. 9th, 2007 @ 03:54 pm
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BA! lucifer over london in assless chaps!! i will smote the demi-gods of pantaloon conformity!!!!Bleeaahhhww!!
Mar. 9th, 2007 @ 12:02 pm
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what a last couple of weeks, work has been taking up much of my time, i'm so tired when i get home, though im not sure why. wed we had a get together after work with 50 of the people taking a class here, and i may have drank a bit... though i still got here at 7:45 the following mourning. we saw one of the employees band, called angels with dirty faces, i was quite partial to the name. and they played a blues set, which was pimptabulous. and i have been trying so desperatly to finish this damn cd. but i't getting close. i need to start all the phone calls, well, the ones i know i need to make, and find out what else i need to do. and i need someone to help me figure out some pay-pal and reservation kinda thing.
Mar. 2nd, 2007 @ 05:32 pm
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